“Reprogramming yourself from the mindset that “everyone is horrible to one that everyone is lovable can make a huge difference in your life” (Philippa Perry (2023 p.20).
This article presents an alternative and supportive vision of a romantic relationship between partners with a tendency towards emotional and intimate avoidance and partners with an anxious-insecure or secure relational style. Our personality traits and relational style develop through the experience of growing up with our parents or carers and the way they responded to our needs from birth. We will begin with an understanding of the various attachment styles according to the theory of the psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Johan Bowlby (1907-1990) and how a more conscious knowledge of one’s own relational style can promote a more mature and authentic life as a couple and the construction of a solid foundation for a future relationship. This article will conclude with some suggestions for overcoming relationship difficulties between the above parties.
Relational attachment styles
Secure attachment
People who grow up in a family environment that made them feel loved and protected and in which their needs are fully met will generally be more likely to develop a natural positive vision of themselves and a sense of serene trust in others and the world around them. They will be better prepared to form healthy interpersonal and romantic relationships rich in intimacy and able to resolve conflicts through authentic and effective communication. A mother who is attentive, empathetic and attuned to the needs of her child will be able to convey a sense of security in her personal and relational abilities, not only by encouraging the child’s ability to develop self-esteem, but also the capacity for resilience in the face of life’s difficulties and for sharing own emotions according to what Bowlby (1981) defines as a secure attachment style. Such people will generally tend to enter into relationships with people with similar attachment styles. It is possible that they may be attracted to people with less secure or more detached relational styles such as avoidant, where they will still show good ability to manage relational complexities while maintaining healthy boundaries which will make them abandon the relationship in cases of toxicity.
Insecure-anxious attachment
Unfortunately, supportive and empathetic family situations are not always the norm. In the case of children who grew up with volatile and unstable parents, whose relational modality was therefore of a discontinuous affective type, incapable of seeing and meeting their emotional needs and vulnerabilities, they will find themselves as adults living with an insecure anxious attachment style. This affective mode will be characterized by an intense desire to develop intimate emotional relationships, but it will also present a profound sense of relational insecurity, which they will try to compensate by asking continuous reassurance and approval from their partner. They will limit their own emotional needs to meet those of their partner at all costs who will be idealized in the hope that relational shortcomings will be filled. The person with this attachment style is very attentive, loving, empathetic and receptive to their partner’s needs even in light of an extreme fear of being abandoned. Sexuality is experienced as the main form of emotional connection and becomes an inevitable necessity to feel validated and redeem deprivations of childhood. In fact, these people see themselves as not worthy of affection and will tend to be more worried and insecure in emotional relationships. At the extreme of this propensity, there is a strong sense of sacrifice of the Self and one’s desires in favor of the attachment style of a partner who is often avoidant and unaffecting.
Avoidant Attachment
While the family situations of the insecure anxious person present, even if discontinuously, a fluctuating affective presence during childhood which makes them still want to build a relationship, in the case of children completely deprived of an emotionally present, affectionate and validating parental environment they will tend to develop an avoidant attachment which as adults will be characterized by a marked independence and need for freedom, a visible relational detachment and a strong resistance to forming intimate and lasting relationships.
Apparently, they appear to be very self-confident people, fully fulfilled in the work environment and totally independent, but this facade hides a desperate need both for validation from the outside world to counterbalance an absence of relational validation in childhood, and the terror of abandonment that is expressed through the avoidance of any form of long-term relational investment. The fear of judgment from the outside world leads them to close themselves in a protected, often successful world where they become almost unattainable, thus creating the ideal conditions for avoiding social and emotional relationships that would lead to a certain dependence on others. In the case of an avoidant person with narcissistic traits, this will build a solid tower of identity based on his unattainability, success and claimed “right” to be loved and desired, thus becoming an “energy vampire” of the partner to whom he will never give anything in return.
Wearing a mask of perfection that hides their vulnerabilities assures them and protects them from the fear of abandonment. They will flee from the anxiety of loving and being abandoned, often leaving their partner first when the latter asks for greater connection and intimacy given that they experience closeness with their partner as a deprivation of their freedom and sense of Self. They will avoid any kind of programming that is aimed at building a future with it. They will demonstrate difficulty in reassuring, hugging and kissing while experiencing a detached if not sometimes violent sexuality which, in extreme cases, will lead to the devaluation and criticism of their partner, who they often experience as oppressive and needy and, in some cases, to continuous betrayals as an instrument of avoidance of intimacy. Their attention is often focused only on negative aspects of the other, forgetting to enhance the positive ones and, instead of tackling the construction of a relationship through sharing their vulnerabilities, they will focus on the continuous search for a “better” and “perfect” partner.
The encounter between avoidant and anxious attachment styles and relational challenges.
The union of the “anxious” with the “avoidant” represents almost the perfect relational match as they are two extreme and opposite relational attachment styles that attract each other. This union, if the potential toxicity is not made conscious, will inevitably lead to a real cycle of continuous dysfunctional struggles where the anxious person will try to do everything possible to make the relationship work by asking the partner for continuous reassurance, closeness and security while the avoidant will claim space, freedom and independence using control strategies through avoidance, detachment and distancing to maintain an emotional distance.
This will inevitably lead the parties to levels of exasperation and discouragement and to experience the relationship in the context of great stress and tension, especially on the part of the anxious partner who experiences greater suffering as he is highly connected with his own vulnerability and emotions. These struggles often result in conflicts and painful separations, considering the wounds that both parties carry with them from their childhood, whose common point is the fear of abandonment. This will be even more marked if the avoidant partner also has a narcissistic presentation in which the focus is only on his own needs and not those of the partner who will not only remain unseen, but rather rejected.
The partner with an anxious attachment style will, sooner or later, find himself experiencing great suffering since the avoidant partner does not seem to be able to meet his emotional needs. He will experience a strong worry of not being adequate, developing separation anxiety which could lead to a real relational dependence. In these cases, the person with anxious attachment will focus totally on the illusion that the avoidant partner will change to accommodate him. In short, he will continue to idealize his partner and fantasize about a possible happy ending to the relationship. By virtue of the strong spirit of sacrifice that the anxious insecure partner presents, he will do his best to rescue the avoidant partner from this emotional distance and then find himself losing himself and his self-esteem. For him, the avoidant partner will become someone very attractive because he is considered wonderful-ideal and unattainable. The erotic and romantic power of the unattainable takes hold on that of the available, empathetic and presents the latter with an alien relational model given that he only knows that of emotional deprivation.
The avoidant partner will experience the dilemma of how to remain in the relationship that he fundamentally desires, but which he is unable to sustain and build, tying it to cyclical loneliness. Given the experience of abandonment in childhood, he will experience constant fear and relational anxiety which he will manage by controlling it with various strategies of avoidance and distancing from his partner and possible escape from the relationship so that he will never be the one to be abandoned. The prophecy of abandonment defines his relational modus operandi.
The above goes perfectly with the excessive need of the anxious to fill the relational gaps that the avoidant is unable to fill. The avoidant partner, instead of collaborating to face and resolve the difficulties that will inevitably follow the initial phase of knowledge and enthusiasm, will throw in the towel at the first difficulties as he has not developed sufficient skills to manage and face them together. He will inevitably be convinced that the problems are not his, but that of the anxious partner who is wrong and not right, concluding that it will be better to let it go and run away rather than seeing the problem as an opportunity to grow the relationship and strengthen mutual affection and esteem. Due to his inability to empathize with his anxious partner, he will not be able to understand the impact of his actions and the suffering caused.
The same problems mentioned above would not apply in the case of a securely attached partner who would be able to understand the situation and take the necessary measures to distance himself or give feedback to the avoidant partner so that he tries to interrupt and correct certain behaviors, thus offering a space for discussion and reflection.
If none of us can choose our own attachment style since this is defined during the development phase and in response to the need to survive in the most disparate relational contexts of childhood, these relational styles must not keep us prisoners for life. This starting first from the assumption that there is absolutely nothing pathological in the two attachment styles analyzed above, in fact based on my clinical experience and in opposition to the typical pathologization of the avoidant attachment style which often finds space in various blogs and magazines, it is possible to interrupt the destructive relational cycle.
Can relationships between avoidants and anxious people work?
If on the one hand avoidant and anxious people want to have a healthy and satisfying romantic relationship on the other, they really don’t know how to create and manage it independently. For this reason, it is essential to undertake a path of psychological-psychotherapeutic support. This will allow the development of a greater awareness of one’s attachment style to face the path of a profound individual and couple change and transformation. This path must be integrated with mutual feedback from partners, friends and family and constant introspective work, meditation and in-depth reading on the topic.
It is vital that the avoidant partner understands and accepts the impact that their ongoing relational avoidance has on their partner, regardless of whether the latter is anxious or secure. Raising awareness of empathy and compassion towards your partner is truly fundamental to facing change within yourself and in your relationship. It is essential to be aware that the perfect person who can redeem themselves from the fear of abandonment does not exist and that there will have to be what it is often considered a tiring and intolerable work on themselves and on the couple without panicking and the probable temptation to walk away taking refuge in their own world or their addictions-obsessions such as work, sex, looking for a better partner. The solution is not to run away, but to stay and build. Instead of feeling locked up in a cage from which they would no longer be able to escape, they would have to come to the mature awareness that in a relationship they can feel free to be themselves and express their own needs and emotions, accepting the need to be “dependent” on the other, to overcome the deprivations experienced in childhood. Simply put, they must learn to become their own good parent.
The anxious partner will also have to become aware of how their relational anxiety collides with the emotional detachment-unavailability of the avoidant partner. It is important for the anxious partner to reflect on how problematic intimacy with a distant-avoidant figure is still more reassuring than facing their fears of real intimacy in the present with a validating partner. The solution is not to run in an idealized imaginary place, but to train to feel comfortable with themselves without giving up their needs. They should be aware that if they have never been able to win the love of their parents, love should not represent a tiring and suffering mission whereby they choose to redeem the deprivations of childhood with an avoidant partner. It will never be the conquest of the avoidant partner that will mend their wounds!
Having said the above, we need to be aware that it will most likely be the anxious partner who activates this path of change by taking on the relational obstacles and making the counterpart aware of the future changes to be implemented. Insecure anxious partners, however, must not forget that it is essential to stay connected with their emotions and needs, ensuring that there are the real prerequisites to face a path of change together, possibly with the support and guidance of a therapist. It is necessary to be aware that this path will involve a long period and a high degree of patience and therefore a careful evaluation is necessary before undertaking it. Combining an individual psychotherapy path with the couples therapy would be highly desirable to support the couple in finding the right balance.
The above suggestions will allow both parties to work on their individual and couple awareness, to choose whether to remain prisoners of the fear of abandonment or try to overcome it by first reflecting on their first attachment to their parents and what they could have done to make them feel loved and included. They will have to accept that there will have to be what they will often consider to be tiring and intolerable work on themselves and on the couple without panicking. What is suggested requires mutual empathy and a sincere desire and willingness to support each other through constant communication of one’s needs and feedback on the impact one has on the other while maintaining the space and respect necessary for this communication to occur.
In the case of a counterpart with a more secure attachment style, this will be much more marked and present, given that the latter can easily communicate their emotional state and put clear barriers before forms of avoidance which can often end in abusive or painful situations.
Finally, it is necessary to agree on a specific time, at least once a week, to communicate moods, emotions and feedback in which to support the healthy growth of the relationship to be complemented by the creation of a space for sharing intimate, erotic, fun, and recreational activities of common interest to support a new reconnection. It is essential to negotiate how much time to spend together each week and mutual needs, trying to understand that the avoidant person needs more space especially in the initial phase of the relationship in which there is a tendency not to let go and to be afraid.
In this case the relationship takes the form of a “new space” in which the parties rediscover curiosity for each other, feel free to move peacefully and be themselves and to explore the complex and wonderful world of the other without judgment and expectations. Understanding the potential of each partner is also essential to define whether this “new space” can, in the medium and long term, truly satisfy the needs of the parties.
Philippa Perry (2023) claims that reprogramming oneself can make a big difference in a couple’s and personal life, however this reprogramming requires great strength and courage to face this drastic change. The avoidant and anxious will really have to update their future expectations by increasingly maturing the awareness that we only have one life! (Perry 2023).
For support relating to the problem of avoidant-insecure attachment or emotional dependence, please contact the undersigned Daniele Oppioli, psychotherapist and clinical psychologist, on 3756655333.
References
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